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Adoption Blog: Inconceivable Family

Calling All Triad Members
Filed Under:

Ironically, even though I’m a blogger, I don’t read many blogs.

I feel like I’m always that party crasher who gets drunk and says things that are off color or insensitive. Having said that, I’m about to get really wild here, lampshade on my head wild, so be aware that if you are super sensitive to this stuff, this post may not be for you.

In college a good friend used to call me Terry, short for Tourettes Syndrome, because whatever was on my mind would come out, totally unfilitered. I have a tendency to do that when I’m blogging or commenting on other blogs. I’m frustrated when I know an author is holding back just to be politically correct. I get irritated by bloggers and posters who use pseudonyms…  as I tell my students, you should own what you say or don’t say it at all.

We are such an interesting community of people. There is this notion of the adoption triad… the birth parents, the child, and the adoptive parents. The idea is that this triad is linked forever by a mutual respect and love for the process which brought them together. I have to say, I really find this peculiar in that out there in the adoption circles, I don’t see much mutual anything with these groups. Sure sometimes there is a great match up and these families really unite around the common ground of having a child who is loved by so many. But more often than not, and I can speak from experience on this, there is a sad animosity that lies just beneath the surface of the process.

Among the adoption blogs that I do read, many adoptive parents seem stuck on the idea that they have to be sensitive to the story of their child’s genetic make-up. They seem to want to change school assignments to meet the special needs of their kids and celebrate holidays like “gotcha day”. I have one great friend who has a picture of her daughter’s birth mother holding their daughter prominently featured in their home and another friend who sends videos to her child’s birth parents to mark each month of life.

It’s as if they go out of their way to include that piece in their child’s life without considering that maybe, their kids won’t want to be surrounded by reminders that these people chose not to be so involved in their upbringing.  I’m amazed at how hypersensitive some adoptive parents are in that way. I wonder, are they trying to fix the “primal wound” that they bought into during the process even though such a wound may not really exist? Or maybe their adoption stories really are as rosey as they paint them to be.

There is also special group of angry adoptees who lurk in the shadows of blogs on adoption. I had one of these when I was a private private blogger many moons ago. She was a member of my blog for well over a year and seemed supportive of our journey ever step of the way. Then, the night before Mike and I were to be parents, she posted this on my blog

“Unfortunately, as an adopted child she will never really be your little girl. She may play the role but inside she will be viscerally attached to her birthmother that is stronger than any artificial bond she may form with you which she forms out of necessity and survival. Her soul will always crave her real mother and that craving is a hole you will never fully be able to fill. I also work in the adoption world and unite children and their birthmothers and believe me, for both parties it is normally the single greatest moment of their lives as they crave each other in a way that can never be satisfied by anyone else. Please prepare yourself for this reality as you go on your journey with this little girl who is the true daughter of someone else.”

Artificial bond? Real Mother? True Daughter? I don’t get it.

The parts of the triad share such a unique story, and yet I haven’t really seen them come together in discussion groups or blogs. As an adoptive parent I would love to hear from adoptees who have had great experiences and who find their adoption to be a truly great gift…  but I suppose those people are off enjoying their lives whereas, when there is something to complain about, it seems there is plenty of time to do so under a pseudonym on the internet.

It’s interesting that the note I received above talked about “craving each other.” I’m having a hard time finding these blogs from birth fathers and mothers. We don’t hear enough from them.  Why do they rarely post in adoption forums? I’d personally LOVE to see a blogger on AFC who is a birth parent. I wonder, are they scarce because they feel a strong misplaced sense of guilt over placing their children? Or maybe they are busy doing wonderful things in the world as a testament to making a thoughtful and “right” choice for that time in their lives? I feel like these people could be the bridge between the over-cautious adoptive parents and the “wounded” adoptees. The words of birth parents are powerful. They have the answers that adoptees search for and that adoptive parents can’t deliver. Their experience is invaluable and shouldn’t be closed when the petition is completed.

I just think there has to be a middle ground somewhere. Yes, adoptive parents, adoption is a big friggin thing. But, no, wounded adoptees, it’s not the only thing. It has it’s place, in the photo albums and stories we share. But there is something to be said for the future, too.

My daughter isn’t adopted. My daughter WAS adopted. It happened and I’m entirely grateful it did. Now it’s over and we are moving forward as the family we were meant to be.  We will visit the past at appropriate times like when we do our Thank You’s at night or when we talk about family trees and fill our medical background sheets for the doctors. But it isn’t going to be a part of our regular conversations with every person we meet.

The triad is a nice theory, but let’s look more closely at the idea of a triangle. All the points have to meet. Every part of the triad needs to come together. So let’s do that. Let’s stop the ugly postings and start using each other as resources to build and unite families. How about starting with having an adoptee and a birth parents write for AFC?

Editor’s Note: If you are interested in blogging for AFC, please email us at

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Meet the Author

Jenna Nadeau

Jenna Nadeau

New Hampshire

I have recently adopted or am adopting from...
U.S. Newborn

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