An Awkward Adoption Conversation

As an adoptive mother with children who look nothing like me, I should always be prepared for comments about my family.  I think a majority of comments are from curious people who don’t know the proper adoption lingo.  So I can’t be too annoyed by them.  But not long ago, I had a talk with a sweet looking grandmother who was in her early 50s.  The comments and questions from her definitely surprised and annoyed me.

I was at a mall’s playground with my one-year-old son, Brent, and my four-year-old daughter, Irena. Brent ran over to a little girl in a stroller in order to see what she was eating. The girl’s grandmother, who had a large friendly smile for my son and me, sat next to the stroller.

Woman (W): Oh, he is so cute! Is he from South America?
Me (M): No, he is from here. He is Hispanic though.
W: Oh, I know that. Is his Dad Mexican?
M: No. I am an adoptive parent.
W: Oh! So you do not have any children of your own?
M: No, I do. I have three children through adoption.
W: You and your husband didn’t want any children of your own, so you adopted? Did you even try to have any of your own?
M: We were unable to have any biological children so—
W: (Interrupting) You adopted three children who needed a home. How wonderful. How were you able to pay for them? What does your husband do for a living?
M: He is a computer geek for a large local company.
W: That makes sense. Your children are so very lucky that you adopted them. They are so blessed. Are your other children here?
M: Yes, my daughter is in the pink shirt running over here.
W: She is beautiful. Look at her black hair! (Then talks to Irena) Se habla espanol?
Irena just stares at her.
W: Se habla espanol?
Irena buries her face into my side.
M: She does not speak Spanish.
W: Oh, you need to teach her. Just look at her!
M: I adopted my children as babies so—
W: (Interrupting) You really should teach her.
Irena runs off.
W: Your son looks cross-eyed. You should get him checked out.
M: Actually it is because he has a wide nose bridge. It is common with Asian and Hispanic children. They look slightly cross-eyed but it is just an optical illusion because of the bridge.
W: Hmm. I don’t know about that. My grandson was cross-eyed and needed surgery. You should have him checked out.
M: He recently saw his optometrist who is the head of the Pediatrics department at the University Hospital and was just fine.
W: He looks cross-eyed. Does not matter where your boy is from. You should have him checked-out again.
I look over to see that Irena has dumped my diaper bag out on the floor looking for a snack to eat.
M: Well, I have to go as my daughter appears to be hungry.
I quickly run away from this woman with Brent in my arms.

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So why did I have such a lengthy conversation with this woman? Part of me was in shock. Part of me was utterly amazed how many adoption faux pas she made while talking to me. Part of me was thinking this was a learning moment for me.  You never can predict what will come out of someone’s mouth.

In case you did not catch the parts of this conversation which annoyed me, here are some highlights:
1.She assumed I adopted internationally because my children are not white.
2.She referred to my children as not my “own.”
3.She thought I adopted only because I couldn’t have any biological children.
4.She said my children were “lucky” to have been adopted.
5.She only spoke Spanish to my daughter because of her race.
6.When I tried to educate her about the eyes of different races she did not believe me.

All the way to my car from the playground I was replaying the conversation in my head. Did I respond to that woman’s questions in a way that would make her think differently about adoption in the future? It is difficult when you are in the moment to remember what you should say. I do not regret any of my responses, but afterward I thought of better words I could have used.

I do not know when these situations will arise. I take my children to playgrounds often and usually strike up conversations with the other adults. I assume people will say the right things all the time. Silly, I know. It’s also silly because I constantly tell people just starting out in the adoption process that they will constantly have to have their guard up and be adoption advocates for their future children. Whenever I become laxe in my own life on this issue, a conversation like the one I had with the grandmother at the playground occurs.

Since people cannot know when these awkward moments will happen, I think that if you are adopting then you should discuss conversations like the one I described with your partner.  Consider giving responses to one another as practice.  I know I did that with my husband after I met this particular grandmother at the playground and it’s helped us both brush up on adoptive families advocacy.  Odds are no matter how much your child through adoption looks like you, you will find yourself in a situation like mine at some point.

I will still continue to strike up conversations with strangers. I will also continue to be open to discussing adoption with them. There is no way I would stop two of my favorite things (talking about my children and talking about adoption) out of fear of being in an awkward situation again.