Oh, Barbara, we had a very similar situation happen to us with a woman at an ice cream shop. I wrote about it here a while back and titled it, as she repeated many times: “Those are NOT your children.” I don’t like those conversations. I like to educate people about adoption and its different issues but I don’t like to run into people who simply are opposed to it or refuse to have their minds open a little. We had a guy at church say: “I don’t understand how any woman could give up her own flesh and blood to strangers.” That was the end of the conversation for me. This was a person who came into it already with lots of very strong ideas about adoption.

The story of my life…

I’ve been getting the “I could never do that!” comment from both strangers and friends since we were waiting to adopt. I always say something along the lines of “We’re so grateful that our daughter’s birthmom could. We love and respect her so much.” (Now, that was an excellent comeback, if you ask me.)  But, just like what happened to the author, sometimes I just can’t get through to them.

My response to the “I could never do that!” comment is this: “Really? Wouldn’t you do ANYTHING for your child?” in a shocked voice. When they say that of course they would, I either say “apparently you wouldn’t”  if I am feeling snarky or if I am feeling educational I point out that my daughter’s biological mom was willing to suffer the ultimate pain of giving up her child, FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILD. That maybe some of us are not strong enough to do ANYTHING for our children but I am glad that she was.

“She must look like her daddy”............
“where does the red hair come from?”.........

Constantly these are things I hear.  While these people may not know the stab in the heart they just gave me (over and over)  they also don’t realize that it doesn’t matter who she looks like or who she may NOT look like.  Does it really matter?  She is OUR daughter and she is her own person and she IS LOVED!!!!!  That IS what matters!!!!!  And I am forever grateful and thankful to the birthmother for making the best decision and for making me a mama.

We get these comments all the time.  Especially at first from my sister in law.  What I really want to say when I’m in a bad mood is “well you should of”.  Then I breathe and remember I don’t mean that.  I like arielifoma’s and farmerjoan’s take on this issue.  My husband is also more likely to share than I am.

Can I just say here, My daughter looks absolutely NOTHING like me at all, and she is mine biologically. I’ve actually had people approach me to ask if she was adopted. In my case she does look like her Daddy, so it is explainable in that way, but not everyone’s kids look like them.

Wow, I can’t wait to be a mom and I truly believe God has a special child for us that we are waiting for right now. But how do I prepare for these attacks from absolute strangers?
And by the way, I agree with shaina81. I don’t look anything like my mother or brother! I do look very much like my dad, but when I was little he worked a lot, so my mom did most of the parenting. I don’t think people asked her. It’s become a problem in our society that every stranger thinks they can ask you all kinds of personal things! Really, it’s none of their business!

I’ve heard the I could never do it comment a few times and our son is only 6 months old.  Up until now I’ve thought of myself as an ambassador for adoption but I’m starting to change my tune.  Maybe I should consider arielifeoma’s need to know basis idea!

I don’t know whether to be comforted or horrified that I’m not alone in this kind of situation. (I think I’m a little of both!)

Thank you for your feedback everyone—Now I’ve added a few more comebacks to my arsenal if the moment should ever rear itself again. 

For those of you who haven’t read it, here’s the post from Gaby about her “shakedown” experience— http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/transracial_adoption_conversations/